The holidays can be a celebration of joy and family time, but for many, they are also a marathon of invisible labor. Someone has to hold it all together, planning meals, wrapping gifts, coordinating visits and meeting everyone’s expectations. Health psychologist Kari Leibowitz, author of How to Winter, notes, “The holidays are when we get wrapped up in shoulds—I should do this, or I’ve always done it this way. But things feel joyful only when the person carrying the load feels joyful, too.” That person managing everything amid the chaos is the family kin-keeper.

In 1985, sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal coined the term “kin-keeping” to describe the often-invisible work of maintaining family bonds: remembering birthdays, organizing holidays, coordinating visits and keeping everyone connected. A kin-keeper serves as the connective tissue across generations.

Kin-keeping work is rarely assigned; it is quietly assumed across families. The burden falls disproportionately on women, often passing from mother to daughter. Rosenthal’s concept builds on a long history of women’s unpaid labor in the home. Across cultures, someone—usually a woman—has been expected to weave the social fabric, whether through cooking, hosting or mediating family ties. These roles often arose out of necessity but hardened into expectations. This important work demands time, intention and skill. It intensifies during the holidays when meals must be coordinated, gifts tracked and gatherings orchestrated. Even when roles are unspoken, someone absorbs the relational labor, becoming the family magic-maker.

Kin-keeping is critical for family cohesion. 2023 research published in Sex Roles shows that having a dedicated kin-keeper strengthens intergenerational bonds, encourages rituals and sustains relationships over time. Yet this labor is often unseen, underappreciated and unevenly distributed. Mothers, stepmothers and other female relatives frequently inherit the role, even in blended or post-divorce families. Step-relatives often find themselves bridging fractured family ties, carrying emotional work they never chose—work that can lead to stress, burnout and resentment. Kin-keepers can feel trapped by societal expectations to do it right, even when it hurts.

 

Sharing Family Responsibilities

Reimagining kin work begins by naming it. Recognizing the role and seeing it clearly allows the labor to be set down or shared when it feels heavy or disempowering. To make healthy changes, burdened kin-keepers can ask themselves how they might act from a place of loving intention rather than obligation.

Making invisible labor visible is another key step. Families can talk openly about who does what and acknowledge that sustaining a family is more than cooking meals or paying bills. It is emotional and relational work. Sharing responsibilities can lighten the load; one person can plan the meal, another take on decorations and a third handle travel logistics. Intentionally involving men and children in tasks helps create a more equitable distribution of labor.

 

Creating New Traditions

Joy can be reclaimed by letting go of rituals that no longer serve the family, creating new traditions rooted in current realities and needs, and inviting others to co-create meaningful moments. Releasing the need for perfection will also offer relief from stringent responsibilities and create space for simple pleasures and joy. “When people look back on holidays, they rarely remember a perfectly cooked chicken or flawless table setting,” says Leibowitz. “They remember the wreath falling and everyone laughing together. The small, imperfect moments are what last.”

Kin-keeping is powerful because it holds families together. Those that take on this role can be proud of the heart work they do because it is precious. Yet this labor should not come at the cost of one person’s well-being. This season, we can ask what we want to carry and what we can set down. Healing begins by recognizing what was inherited and consciously choosing what to pass on. The magic of the holidays comes alive when care is rooted in fulfillment and agency rather than obligation. Kin-keeping is an act of love—but love does not have to mean doing it all alone.

 

Hannah Tytus is an integrative health coach, researcher and content creator for KnoWEwell, P.B.C., as well as a former writer at the National Institutes of Health.

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